


Angelica's Helpless Dissatisfactions

by Hamino (frechi123)



Series: Hamilsquad in the Rough: Up Close and Personal [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, Gen, I'm Sorry, It's 8th grade time, My mind feels weird, Prepare for unhappines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-08-29 06:55:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16739200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frechi123/pseuds/Hamino
Summary: Angelica Renee Schuyler could only watch.As all of her siblings were killed off in events that she was powerless to stop, one by one, except for two.And yet, she can't even bring herself to stop causing herself pain... or blaming herself.





	1. Who Are You to Tell Me a Thing?

I stared.

That's all I've done these days - stare.

Their gravestones have my guilt swirling about in the air, my blood spattering down on the soft ground.

My dad, my mom, my  _remaining_ sisters, they all tell me the exact same thing. That it's not my fault, it was never your fault, we love you, sweetie -

Bullshit. And I don't care that I was 15, a year above most of my friends and level with the very few that are left.

I didn't save them. And as the oldest, that is my fault if I can't even  _protect my siblings from harm, then what kind of sister am I_ -

We don't have sons anymore. I can't picture how crushed my dad must be.

They don't even ask where all the blood comes from. They already know. There's always gauze by my bedside table, and the razors are still there. It perplexes me, that they know what I'm doing to myself, and yet they won't stop me? They know me so well, know that I would probably and unnecessarily hiss at them.

They want me to get better. Just on my own terms.

Sometimes I often wonder,  _how does anyone even try putting up with me?_

 


	2. Why Can't You Just Buzz Off?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I told them leave me be, and if they had I would have been better later.
> 
> But Schuylers are seemingly persistent. Ha, it comes back to bite me in the ass now!"

It's a funny thing, ignorance. It can sour even the closest of relationships.

Like today.

***

Five tombstones lay in a row.

~~~~~

Little Phillip got his first. Long before we met you, Alex, or Aaron, or even John, and Jefferson's name did not dance venom across my tongue for even giving him scarcely a thought.

He convinced poor, two-year-old Phillip, while he baby-sat as we went out for an important club meeting, that he could learn how to fly if he put his mind to it.

We're not flying machines, Eliza, the voice of reason, has always said to him. It seemed to work on him because he stopped talking about it months ago.

Until  _that_ day...

Our parents were not here either. They were out on a business trip, without advance warning us, again. They tend to tell us last minute or not at all, so we guess it for ourselves.

They would have  _murdered_ Jeffershit right then and there had they come home immediately. I would have too if my sisters hadn't stopped me.

Blood splattered all over the pavement right out and up to the front door. Jeffershit's mildly surprised face as he looked down, and hand still dangling about the window.

My little brother's body, twisted into such an agonizing position that made me only slightly happy that he was dead, so he would not feel it.

Anguish in my voice as I scream until my voice is lost. It didn't come back until two months later. Hercules and Maria had to help me talk for that whole time.

~~~~~

Catherine, my five-year-old sister, went next. Two years ago, when we had introduced Aaron to our friend group. Years after we exiled Jefferson from it himself. He left town and came back. No one knows why.

She got deathly sick. It scared everyone because she had almost never been sick. Her immune system was not ready for fighting anything.

Peggy found her, after I'd walked out of the room to fix her favorite snack, lying down suddenly, in the middle of a drawing she was working on. I found her when I came in, shaking the living daylights out of our sister.

I remembered being confused, wondering how Cathy was staying so still and sleepy like that, when she was the lightest sleeper of us all, and then Peggy had looked up at me and snapped, that's not funny. Stop talking like that.

What do you mean? I'd asked her, isn't she asleep?

I'm warning you Ange, she said again, this isn't funny! Stop acting like you don't know what's going on here.

She's never treated me like this. But I  _don't_ know what's going on! I had wailed, and her face fell in realization before making way to tears. She's  _dead_ , Peggy was crying out, Catherine is  _dead!_

I called an ambulance anyway.

A coroner came instead. I stared at him then glared at Peggy. Obviously she was the one that changed the plan.

Eliza came back around the same time. We had to explain it to her.

Our little funeral service was the saddest one yet.

We went to Aaron's after that. Support is best sought for in friendship.

~~~~~

Next went the twins, Rensselaer and Cornelia. 

This was last year, before... Alex found himself the way he is right now. It was only a few days before he and Charles came to see us. They were eight at the time.

They would have turned nine today.

The worst thing was, none of us had seen it happen.

We were out on a picnic - me, Peggy, Eliza, John our brother, the twins. It was simply a family thing we were doing. I was just gazing at the clouds, Eliza and Peggy were both napping, John was fishing by the lake only some feet away, and Ren and Corny were playing hide-and-seek at the time. It was all normal.

Then an hour passed.

A dreadful hour that could have saved them if we had not all passed out.

John and I were both out like a light beside Eliza and Peggy — up until that horrible sound.

It was the sound of screaming.

Not one person. But two.

Followed by a roar.

And we all knew immediately what had just happened to them.

~~~~

Then finally, this year, went my oldest brother John.

He was a model student, and he knew he would have to be if he wanted to keep playing sports. But for once, sports failed him.

Because they killed him.

He was crushed between the stadium walls and the biggest opponent on the other team. He fell into a coma, he was hit so hard.

Dad, Peggy, and I were in the stands. We were all shrieking in horror.

An ambulance lifted us all up.

There we ran through the halls, following desperately after the gurney like it was candy.

Peggy and I were not allowed to go any further. They took our dad down along with John's lifeless body.

We just so happened to be stopped in front of Alex's room door. We peeked in and saw him lying there, he was not pale like our John was in the face, the arms, anywhere. He seemed to be sleeping but we knew better. His sleeping would rival Cathy's if she were still here, judging by how long he stays awake at a time anyway he would be roused by little things.

It was only minutes before we were yanked back by a nurse, Eliza and Mom were standing behind her looking confused. She told us, don't go poking around like that, and led Mom to where John was supposed to be and left Eliza standing there with us.

What on earth, Eliza said, were you two looking at?

Peggy answered it. It was Alex. He's in there, looking very much still.

Eliza raised a brow to this, then pushed past us both to look in. She peered in for a bit before withdrawing, probably not wanting to alert any nurses and get yanked back as I had.

We traversed the halls, in the direction they took our parents. A faint beep was heard from somewhere. 

Oh dear, said Eliza, it sounds like someone is flatlining. Their loved ones must be so devastated.

Peggy and I nodded solemnly, heading closer to it as it got louder still. We were preparing words of condolences to say to the unfortunate witnesses, when we reached the open door.

Our words caught in our throats for a moment.

Mom and Dad were there, at the foot of the bed, blocking the unfortunate person from view. The doctor was off to the side, staring at his clipboard, but now looking up at us with an annoyed stare.

Hey! Who let these kids back here? he hissed to nothing. Besides, this is family only. Scram!

I didn't back down. We wanted to give our sincerest apologies, is all! Don't be mean! Right, girls?

They didn't answer.

They sensed what was going on before I did.

Let them in, Mom said, these are our daughters.

The doctor changed his tune. Oh, I'm terribly sorry for that. Do know that I've been stuck putting up with children worse than this. He motioned us in and I wanted to say, you'd better be sorry, to this rude doctor, but decided it would not be wise.

Where are the loved ones of this person? I asked, still not getting it. Being right in my parents' vantage point, I could not see still who lay there.

Mom and Dad stared at me as if grew another head.

Eliza started to cry.

Peggy narrowed her eyes to slits and it was Cathy all over again. Do you enjoy seeing our tortured reactions, Angelica? she snapped. Is this a game to you?

I didn't answer, merely walked around them all to see who lay there.

My world shattered.

This was no game.

~~~~~

Every time a new one was added, I'd blame myself. Not anyone who hurt them or even my siblings. You asked me once why I never blamed John since he was older than I am now. I say, it wouldn't matter now, he's gone.

Angelica, it's been hours. come inside, it's getting dark, called Eliza from the backyard door. She stood in her funeral clothes from last year when there were only four graves outside.

I don't turn. I'll come inside when I feel like it, Eliza, leave me alone! This time I do turn, to make sure she walks in. She shakes her head before doing so.

I told them leave me be, and if they had I would have been better later.

But Schuylers are seemingly persistent. Ha, it comes back to bite me in the ass now!

I lay my head beside the graves, right in front of Phillip's which has a rose in front of it. I remember putting it there when everyone else had been too scared to approach it.

You know, I say, this will become our own little burial ground someday. We have made it clear we will not move out of this house any time soon. So we might as well bury ourselves here and we will be with it for eternity.

No one knew we would do that so soon.


	3. What Dost Fly Through Your One-Track Mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The problem?
> 
> Jeffershit was _here_.
> 
> And expecting to see _me_."

Today I'm at the hospital, laying in wait in Alex's room. Charles and Sam are here too, but you can't make it because your parents have grounded you for who knows why.

Wait, it was only your dad? Now I know why.

It was a piece of cake getting in here, somehow. I figured that those people would have kicked me out at least, from last time I went snooping around here of all places. And it's family only right now, so that is even more bizarre. Maybe my parents called in a favor for us and apolgized for my behavior.

I'm this close to nodding off when there's a sudden knock on the door. Come in, I call out.

A nurse peeks her head in at me and stares at me suspisciously. Are you supposed to be in here?

Yes, I say, raising an eyebrow, I'm guessing you didn't get the memo. My parents called in a favor.

Very well, she says with an eyeroll. Someone is here to see you all.

See us all? Charles repeats. Sam is asleep.

You heard me, she hisses, and opens the door wide to reveal this person.

I thought it was you coming to see us. Charles thought it was Aaron coming to see Alex, before remembering that he, too, was grounded by his fosters, and you and him were playing a correspondence game.

He stands tall and smug as he enters. Charles narrows his eyes and I just stare at him without a word.

Why are you lying to them? he asks. You know it's family only right?

We're as close to family as Alex will ever get, Charles says, annoyed. His dad was murdered, his mother was sent to an asylum, and his brother is in prison for putting him here in the first place.

He glares at Charles. Why are you talking, he says after a moment. I want to hear her. He points to me, catching us both off-guard.

As if what happened years ago didn't happen.

The problem?

Jeffershit was _here_.

And expecting to see _me._

No, I say, why would I ever want to see you again? I can't say your name anymore except with a curse after it. Get out, go hang out with Madison or something. I don't know how he survives putting up with you. I'm not looking him right in the eye.

I can't.

I won't.

Peripherals are my best friend. He isn't.

And yet he walks to me anyway and lifts my chin and my eyes dart down and Charles wants to move to do something. My eyes tell him not. I remember three years ago. Sam stares at everything sleepily. How I wish to be as unaware as he is.

You remember all the good times we had, don't you? he says. How can you throw them away for this, pointing to Alex laying still as he says it, he and that Burr kid are just pretenders. And they're both whores too. You know they were fucked by people older than them?

I am too, Sam says quietly. And it's your fault, remember? You introduced me to that monster because you thought he could help me, but I'm only helping him. He points to the collar on his neck. I thought you were my friend then. How could you let him do this to me?

They have secrets, he continues, stuttering a bit after Sam speaks. Horrible ones. 

Doesn't matter, Charles puts out. They have told us some, we've seen some others. Hearing from you will probably carry a guarantee of twisting the story. Like you did to all those people the first time you got your hands on my book, he adds quietly. You broke into my room just to steal it. That's not a friend.

Where were these nurses to come throw him out? Nevertheless he says, I want to hear from Angelica. You idiots may have been too blinded by my small mistakes to see the great in me, but she knows.

Do I? I say quietly, still not looking him in the eye. There are never small mistakes when it comes to you. Sam should have never followed you to the King. Charles should have never trusted you to house-sit. Heck, I'll never forgive you for murdering Philip, Jeffershit! My voice rises as I stand and finally look up. Charles and Sam look triumphant and he looks startled. How can you call all of what you did "small mistakes", you pretentious prick? And now you want us to choose you, the one who ruined our lives, over the boy who saved them? You know what?

I push him over and point. Our biggest mistake was ever friending you. Get lost.

He runs out the door.

And doesn't look back.


	4. Where Are The Thoughts Of The Sinners?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't stand there and watch him call you something you're not.
> 
> They say the sinners will pay someday.
> 
> Well, his day is now."

Hello, Angie, you say to me in a phone message one day, I'm grounded. Again.

My dad caught me trying to burn all my more male-oriented clothes. For the past few years or so, I would just ignore them, you know? And he would just stare at me in disapproval and never pay for me to have any surgery of any kind at all. Mom won't either, but that's only  _because_ of him, let's be real.

And when he caught me trying to burn them? He was  _livid._  

He grabbed me by my hair and shouted, are you insane, Theodore?! Why would you throw your clothes away in this manner?!

I was crying. He called me by  _that name._ Usually when he's mad at me, he avoids names or calls me a thing. 

It hurt me to hear bring up that name that is a low point in my life.

Anyway, it's been a few days. I sold most of the clothes and I've been locked in my room beaten and hiding so my dad won't find me so quickly.

I had to let you know, so you would know why I won't be coming out for a while.

My hand trembles and I drop the phone. You never tell anyone about your past. Not even me. 

Honor swells within. But I can't dwell on that now.

I can't stand there and watch him call you something you're not. They say the sinners will pay someday. Well, his day is now.

Fingers fly across the phone. I call 911. I tell them what you told me.

Forgive me. I have to. They can't help if they don't have the facts.

***

A week goes by. You're out and about again. And nearly healed.

I apologize. Profusely.

You shake your head sadly and assure me it's fine, but it's not.

I know.

This must be how Charles often feels.

I follow after you to our friends, but I doubt things will be much of the same again.


	5. When Does The Guilt Eat Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Angelica, you realize all of us have demons of our own, right? Alex says. And the guilt rises in us but we are here to overcome it."

_Snap! Snap!_

Hey! Earth to Angelica!

My head whips up. Aaron and Alex are looking at me concerned. I must have spaced. Longer than the normal person does.

Are you okay, Angie? Alex asks, and I want to laugh. He's the one recently waking up from a coma as of last week, the boy just can't seem to die.

I wish his brother would.

I'm here with them because I've messed up. With you, I mean. Or I think I have. Ever since I tried to get your dad arrested (which apparently lasted a week before he blackmailed someone in there for his freedom), you have become distant. You hang out more with Charles or Sam these days, because Alex is usually with me and then you start feeling awkward.

You tell me you're not mad. I can't believe that.

Why won't you look me in the eye? I don't want to fight, and I try to apologize, because what I've done is apparently not right.

She's off again, Aaron says, and I look at them.

Angelica, you realize all of us have demons of our own, right? Alex says. And the guilt rises in all of us but we are here to overcome it. And we do not let our friends and loved ones try to overcome animosities by themselves.

I sigh. I have really messed up this time, I say, Theodosia won't talk to me. 

Their eyebrows have made their way to some other  _planet_ with how far they have raised off their heads.

What did you do? 

I tell them. I can't  _not_. I tell them most everything now. You won't talk to me right now, and it would be redundant to talk about yourself.

And the only other is a treacherous betrayer.

You had good intentions, Aaron says.

I know, I say, but it wasn't my secret to tell. This is how Charles feels, all the time, when he wants to desperately help Sam. Sam's situation is worse than Theo's. But Charles still keeps the secret. I didn't.

Alex sighs. Theodosia has to see it your way sometime. And I don't think she'd do this if it were you in her position. 

He holds my shoulders. She will come around. She will realize you were only trying to save her. If you let such love break you up, what are you to do?


	6. How Does Everyone Else Hold It Together?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "High school is a whole new ballgame. 
> 
> A whole new level of torture.
> 
> You're supposed to mature with age. 
> 
> But this life of ours is living proof of a lie."

It's summer now. 

I can't believe we've gone a whole six months without fixing this. I want to try. But I'm afraid my attempts will be iced out. 

You look at me with awkward smiles though. As if you want to approach me, but am scared that  _I_ will ice  _you_ out.

Funny, isn't it.

I'll probably talk to you soon.

We're starting high school in 2 months. I will need all the help I can get. The guys are here, sure, but you're the only shred of girl power I could rely on at all times.

Eliza's losing it, again. No one knows exactly why, but I think she's struggling with an inner self.

Peggy's hiding behind everyone. Blending in, being invisible. If she does that any longer, she will practically disappear.

Maria's demons seem to be worse than mine. I didn't even know that was possible.

None of the other girls like us. Adrienne, Dolley, Martha Manning, America - all of them crueler than the last. They don't have problems like ours. And if they do, no one knows.

You were my saving grace. I could tell you everything that I couldn't tell anyone else, not even my sisters. Razors suddenly disappeared from my mind when you came into my world.

I loved you when you first came into our lives. I still love you, Theodosia. 

Please understand that I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to help you escape. You don't deserve to be with such terrible people. Why do they disrespect you like that?

Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally. It does not matter what path they take in life: who they love, who they are, what they want to do - they can't be biased like this.

Middle school was hell.

High school is a whole new ballgame.

A whole new level of torture.

You're supposed to mature with age.

But this life of ours is living proof of a lie.

Dear Theodosia, what to say, except that I will make it up to you. 

Just you wait.


	7. Can You Hear Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You take my hand and I look up into your eyes and cry. You tell me to stop and it hurts you when I cry and that you have forgiven me.
> 
> I tell you that I should have respected your wishes. 
> 
> You say, I’m glad you didn’t.”

It’s another deathaversary, coming and going. Here I am, sitting in front of the graves by myself because they still _refuse_ to come outside and see them. They stare out through the windows instead, sometimes when I’m here, sometimes when I’m not.

The back door creaks behind me. Will I have to lash out at Eliza  _again_?

No.

I turn, with a fire burning in my eyes that simmers as soon as I see you coming out of it. 

You wave to me. I can’t help but stare as you come closer.

Hi, Angelica, you say. 

My mouth can’t find the words. You notice this.

Can you hear me, at least? I nod to you. Good, I’m glad. 

You turn to the graves. They love that you come to see them all the time. It’s a shame your family won’t make the effort.

I shrug. They’re scared.

You turn to me, fire in your own eyes. And they think you’re not? They don’t see that this also weighs on you?

That’s the problem, I say. I have lashed out at them so much for disrupting me, they think I want to face this alone. But they never see me crying and blaming myself when their backs are turned. I told myself for years this was all my fault and no one can sway me otherwise. I have refused to hear it.

You did not make Philip jump out the window, you did not push him. You did not infect Cathy. You did not kill Ren or Corny. And you most certainly did not crush John. Why don’t you blame him? He ws older than you.

He was never tasked to watch the younger ones. I was. Because Mom and Dad thought they could count on me to keep my word, which I failed to do. I look away from you. And I have failed you, Theodosia. I have broken your trust. Though I had good intentions, I had no right.

You take my hand and I look up into your eyes and cry. You tell me to stop and it hurts you when I cry and that you have forgiven me. I tell you that I should have respected your wishes. You say, I’m glad you didn’t. I know your heart was in the right place. You were trying to save me. But it will be forever before anyone can do anything to stop them.

You shrug. It doesn’t matter anyway. Because I’ll have you to be thinking about. You kiss my cheek and I blush.

There we sit, side by side in comfortable silence, at the graves.

I wish they got to meet you. They would have loved you.

You smile at me. I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Angelica’s story.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
